Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
