I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
