Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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