It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
