So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
