saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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