Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
