The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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