I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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