two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
