Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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