one two three fourrrrnication!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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