The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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