There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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