i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
