i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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