I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Sorry about my life...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
