I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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