Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
