Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
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