Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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