Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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