I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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