I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
