here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
