dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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