You're my little dorito
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
