when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
