I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
