They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i drank out of a bidet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
