Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
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he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.