I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.