Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
