You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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