Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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