never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
