do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
