I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
