Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
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Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
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I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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