U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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