Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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