I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you win again, gameday.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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