Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
my poor anus
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
