I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
