??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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