people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
