She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
