just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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