...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
