I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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