Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
