My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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