Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
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I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
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Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
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