What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
