He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
