I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is Oprah even human
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
